Winter is great! (If you hate your family.)

A lot of people up here love the wintertime, especially the snow. Now I can fully understand when people who are really into cross-country skiing or snowshoeing get excited about the snow. But, let’s face it, most people aren’t into those sports. Still, they get excited about winter.

I’ve thought long and hard about this, because I tend to think of winter as something of a nuisance. Sure I like the hibernation aspect. I like being indoors and eating soup. I like the way you don’t feel compelled to actually do anything. But harsh weather? I’d rather not, thank you.

But now I realize why people love the cold and snow so much. It’s simple. They hate their families.

Severe winter weather takes everything that is awful about American life and makes it much, much worse. Commuting? Double your time, easy. When you add warming up your car, brushing it off, driving really slow so as not to get into an accident, or maybe even sitting in gridlocked traffic because someone else got into an accident, it takes much longer to get from point A to point B than it does at any other time of year.

But hey! If you hate that slob on the couch who calls himself your husband, that’s all the more time you can spend away from him! So crank up the heat, fire up a Newport, and tune the radio in to some Whitney Houston, because you won’t have to see that lousy S.O.B. for another twenty minutes at least!

Household maintenance is another area whose difficulty and time consumption increase exponentially in the winter months. Personally, I don’t like this at all. But if you’re the type of person who can’t stand the sight of your wife and those three ugly brats for one more minute, then winter is the season for you!

You can start with the shoveling of course. Get that sidewalk scraped right down to the nub. But there’s no need to stop there. Those icicles are dangerous and need to be knocked down. Plus, you have to get all of that snow off the roof before its weight does any structural damage. There’s so much to do! Isn’t it great not to have to make up excuses for “puttering,” or to wash the car for the 400th time this week just to get a little peace and quiet?

Plus, winter is the time for Christmas. And you know what Christmas means, right? It means gifts, and gifts mean tools! Some people might think it’s odd to want tools for Christmas, but tools can easily lead to more work, and more work means less time spent listening to that grating voice yapping on the phone with her fatass sister. So fire up that snowblower, Ed! We’re building us a sanctuary of noise.

I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s all about. I can’t imagine any other reason for loving the season of car wrecks, broken hips, heartattacks and the flu. Not to mention insanity. You’ve seen The Shining, right?

Me, I’ll take autumn.