You think you’re an American. Sure, you’ve got your illegal fireworks. Your six gallons of store-bought potato salad. Your five suitcases of Busch Light. And meat — cartloads of cheddar brats and grade-D hamburger and good old-fashioned weinies, which you’re going to cook over charcoal thankyouverymuch and you’re going to spray that lighter fluid right onto the coals while they’re lit no matter what the back of the bottle and your nag of a wife say. You think you’re ready. But if you’re a real American, not some commie socialist pinko from the bluest of states, you’re gonna need a few more things. And thankfully, you can get them all from one place: the Bud K Catalog.

Wearables

First off, let’s talk wardrobe. Now every other asshole out there is going to be wearing some flag shirt, probably one of those ones they got at Old Navy back in 2002 when it was practically mandatory to be patriotic. That’s the obvious route. Discerning Americans will want to take a different tack, and in a situation like this (or any other for that matter) you can’t go wrong with sleeveless denim. Bud K has a good selection of sleeveless denim shirts, and several of them such as the Biker in America and the All Gave Some fit this occasion perfectly. Of course if you want something a little less obvious, there’s always the Live Free Ride Free, for a classier yet edgier touch.

Every soldier knows that running out of ammo in a crucial situation is one of the worst things that can ever happen. This Camo Six Pack Holster will help you be certain that you’ll stay fully loaded all day and all night. And don’t worry — even though it only fits waists up to 54″, we’re sure that a real American like you can figure out a way to expand it to fit your needs.

Now, mishaps do happen. But just because you’ve singed your entire scalp while checking on that dud, that doesn’t mean the party has to end in embarrassment, at least not when you’ve got a Flair Hair visor. A little ointment, some Sharpie eyebrows, and one of these babies, and you’ll be ready to jump back into the action before you know it.

Belt buckles. You know you love them. What true American wouldn’t treat himself to a new buckle on America’s birthday? Now, you could of course go with the These Colors Don’t Run buckle, but you probably already have that one, don’t you? How about this one? Or this one? Or one of these? Bud K has choices, and there’s nothing more American than that.

Weapons

Now that we’ve got you dressed to kill, let’s get you armed. Those explosives you’ll undoubtedly be toting will undoubtedly be deadly, but not really all that practical when your brother-in-law gets all raged up on Captain Morgan at 3am and decides to go for your jugular. No, in an instance like that, it’d be good to have the Double Trouble Stun Gun, which appears to be a stun gun you can punch someone with. How patriotic is that?

OK, maybe you want something less up-close-and-personal and something a little more far-back-and-lethal. Have you considered a spear? I bet you haven’t. Don’t worry — Bud K has a fine selection of spears, including the simple, effective Cold Steel Boar Spear. Whether you’re defending your territory or just tracking down the main course for your pig roast, this item will not let you down.

We know you’ve got your hand gun and your carry permit. Obviously. And we know you’ve got an assortment of other guns around your house for various uses. But do you have an Airsoft sniper rifle? No? That’s just a shame. It shouldn’t take you long to think of a few people who could use a little sniping. Once you come up with five, get and the phone and order this baby. It’ll pay for itself in no time.

Discipline

Kids love Independence Day, and what with the fireworks and staying up late and the high-nitrite meat products, they’re bound to get overstimulated and out-of-hand. While we know you don’t need no help raising your offspring, these labor-saving devices will aid you in getting the unpleasantness over quickly and getting you back to the party. This 8-foot bullwhip extends your reach when the little bastards crawl into those hard-to-get-at places. Once you’ve caught them and given them what-for, these thumb cuffs with keep them in timeout until they’re ready to behave like civilized human beings again.

As your old man always told you, you need to use the right tool for the job. When it comes to celebrating our nation’s independence, Bud K has you covered. Now go make that call.

Typically, I hate the quizzes on Facebook. It’s the kind of thing that used to ruin blogging, but now has largely moved over to social networking. Listen: No one really cares which character from Laguna Beach you are, or which Jonas Brother you are, or what kind of canned good you are.

(I think you’re sensing a “but” right about now, aren’t you? No? Well, you should be.)

BUT. When I was presented with the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to create a quiz that’s all about me, well, that sounded like fun. I put tons of information about myself on the internet anyway, so it would be a good time to check and see if anyone was paying attention.

You people didn’t do so well.

Below are the questions, with their correct answers, and the stories behind them.

1. What movie have I seen more than 20 times?
a) Back to the Future
b) Star Wars
c) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
d) Evil Dead II
e) Under the Cherry Moon

The correct answer is a) Back to the Future. I thought this might be an easy one, since I recently did my Back to the Future status theme, but I guess most people thought I had watched the other, actual cult films. The truth is, I’m a real fan of all movies where people travel through time, and BTTF is among the best of them. I had (still have actually) a VHS tape of the movie recorded off of Showtime in the mid-80s. I watched it all the time as a kid and right up into my 30s. I’m not sure how many times I’ve seen it, but it’s definitely upward of 20. I’m still not tired of it.

2. Which of the following animals have I skinned?
a) Deer
b) Rabbit
c) Cat
d) Elk
e) Mongoose

Ha! The correct answer is c) Cat. I’m not a sicko — this was for Anatomy and Physiology class in 11th grade. The interesting part of the story here was that I was really nervous about messing it up (if you cut wrong during any part of the dissection, you’d irrevocably lose points) and didn’t finish skinning it within the class hour. So I had to bring it home. There was was at the living room table, doing my “homework” while my family watched TV. My homework which consisted of a dead cat in a black plastic garbage bag. Later I became much more cavalier about it, so much so that my lab partner, who was dead-set on going to an Ivy League school, “divorced” me as lab partner. I then partnered up with a nice girl, and every day we had what we called “Cat Chat,” wherein we talked about our lives while sawing the cat’s head in two, or removing the kidneys. Ivy League had no reason to be afraid of me: I got straight As in A&P.

3. Which of the following is true?
a) My eyes are slightly different colors.
b) My 2nd and 3rd toes are longer than my big toe.
c) I have a very hairy back.
d) I can’t pronounce the word “thirsty.”
e) I was born with a tail.

A surprising number of people got this right. The answer is b), which caused me a lot of problems as a little kid. Whenever I’d go to get shoes, someone would feel the front and say, “Is this your big toe?” I’d say yes, and they’d say there’s plenty of room in front of it. I’d end up getting those shoes, even though my other toes were packed into the front and bent over. Photographic proof.

4. Which beverage do I enjoy at room temperature?
a) Lipton tea
b) Instant coffee
c) Whole milk
d) Cheap beer
e) Prune juice

I enjoy d) Cheap beer at room temperature. The rest make me gag. I don’t know how I got started drinking beer like that. I’d say it has to do with my general laziness.

5. Which food do I not enjoy?
a) Lobster
b) Havarti cheese
c) Spinach
d) Scallops
e) Mushrooms

Most people answered e) Mushrooms, but the real answer is a) Lobster. I love all the rest of those foods. I might like lobster if it was prepared correctly, but I’ve had so much bad lobster that I’ll never have the urge to discover if I truly hate it or if I’ve never had it prepared correctly. Incidentally, I like all the other shellfish: shrimp, crab, etc.

6. How many times was I accidentally locked inside the old Norshor Theater?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) 4
e) 17

I was locked inside the Norshor twice. They used to have gallery shows in the hallway next to the main theater. There’s a door at the end of the hallway that leads to the main theater, and sometimes that door would be open. A few people would always end up hanging out in the main theater, and on two occasions, the art show ended while I was back there and I wound up getting locked in. There were bands playing in the mezzanine, so no one could hear our pounding on the doors. The only way to get out was to break out by pushing the fire doors open on the avenue side (they were chained shut, but loosely) and climbing over the top of the doors. The first time, I gashed my hand open really bad on the pigeon-shit-encrusted, rusty doors, and wound up going to urgent care for a tetanus shot the next day. The second time, I let someone else climb out and come around inside to to let me out the normal way.

7. Which of the following jobs have I never had?
a) Grocery store stockboy
b) Window washer
c) Industrial knitting machine operator
d) Painter
e) Assembly line worker in a toilet paper factory

I’ve never been a) Grocery store stockboy. I have, however, been an assembly line worker in a toilet paper factory. OK, I was a temp, and the job only lasted three days, but I worked at the Lighthouse for the Blind when I was about 20. I’d always thought the Lighthouse for the Blind was some great place for blind people to get the resources they need. Well, it might have been that too, but it was also a noisy, dirty, poorly lighted toilet paper factory.

My job was to put stickers on the boxes of toilet paper. This wasn’t Charmin or anything. This was the industrial-grade sandpaper that you find in schools and other public buildings. I only met two people when I was there. One was the blind guy to my left, whose job was to pack the rolls into the boxes. He didn’t say much. The other was a sighted guy to my right, who taped the boxes shut and palletized them. He only wanted to know where I hung out, which was a euphemism for where I got drunk after work. I told him that I didn’t hang out anywhere, since I wasn’t 21. He didn’t buy this for a second. In fact, he was incredulous. He thought I was a snob and that I just didn’t want to “hang out” with him. Well, he was halfway right, but I don’t think it’s possible to be a snob when you’re OK with working in a toilet paper factory.

Eventually, I ran out of stickers and instead had to stencil the information on the boxes. The job ended when the blind guy I was replacing stopped calling in sick.

8. I’ve worked for the USPS for 13-1/2 years. What is my seniority?
a) Thirteenth from the top
b) Twenty-fourth from the top
c) Ninety-seventh from the top
d) Second from the bottom
e) First

Are you kidding, people? Do you think if I was anything other than d) Second from the bottom, that I’d be working these lousy hours? The truth is, I used to be a lot higher, until the facility I worked at closed and everyone beneath me was forced to quit or move. No one has been hired since me, and with the current state of the USPS, it’s hard to imagine anyone being hired. Maybe someday I’ll be 13th from the top, but if that happens I’ll still be second from the bottom.

9. What class did I have to re-take in high school?
a) Biology
b) Health
c) American History
d) Algebra II
e) Metal shop

I had to re-take the easiest class there is, b) Health. Ironically, I’d missed a lot of school due to chronic fatigue syndrome. While my biology teacher flat-out failed me for missing all the lab time, the health teacher felt that I’d missed too much time in-class and needed to repeat the course. This was completely ridiculous, because 4 out of 5 classes sessions per week consisted of watching an hour-long video while the teacher smoked cigarettes in her car. I’d seen all the videos at home, and got As on all the tests (I had a Homebound teacher) but nonetheless had to repeat the class, which I used as a studyhall.

10. Which bone have I broken?
a) Tibia
b) Fibula
c) Humerus
d) None
e) All

I think it’s funny that a lot of people chose e) All, which I suppose is my fault. I meant it to mean “All of my bones” but I suppose it could be interpreted as “All of the above.” The truth is, I’ve never to date broken a bone, though I’ve had several severe sprains, one of which put me on crutches and on painkillers, and I couldn’t walk normally for six months.

So there you have it, kids. And yes, I did write this post to try and redeem myself for creating a quiz on Facebook. I just can’t stand effortless, Mad Lib-style “blogging.” It makes me feel gross inside.

OK, so last Halloween, I dressed up as David Foster Wallace. And I was kind of weirded out about it. After all, his corpse was hardly in the ground. It was barely cold. He had just killed himself, something like, six weeks prior. And I had always respected the guy, and had read quite a bit of his repertoire. Nonetheless, I dressed as his corpse for Halloween, and thought about putting a belt around my neck for effect, then decided against it. The whole thing, I thought, was in bad taste. And I was braced to deal with the repercussions.

So when I went out and found that almost no one had any clue who I was supposed to be, even when I flat-out told them, I was kind of crushed. People I had assumed to be intelligent and well-read only managed to be half of that. It was a serious disappointment. Someone mentioned on in my comments that it was likely that “there are a total of 20 people in Duluth who’ve read Infinite Jest.”

That made me kind of awkward. I’d read a lot of David Foster Wallace. His shorter works. His essays. But I’d never actually read his famous 1,000-page masterpiece, the supposed manifesto of my generation, Infinite Jest.

So a few months later, I made the pledge, to myself and my community, that I would read Infinite Jest.

A few months after that, this guy and this lady announced that not only me, but everyone on the entire internet would be reading the novel this year. Thanks a lot, guys.

I kid. I’ve been reading these folks for years and years. They’re good people, smart people and I trust their opinions. I realize that their decision has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I only mildly hate them now. With the smallest, least-significant corner of my heart. No, really.

Sigh.

Nonetheless, I plan to read the great novel with everyone else. Do I plan to participate? Well, I’ve already contributed a few tweets to the Twitter feed and I guess I’m a member of the Facebook group.

Truth be told, I kind of hate reading in concert with anyone else. My opinions never jibe with anyone else’s. Whenever I seek anyone else’s opinion on literature, I always, ALWAYS, disagree to an almost hateful position. I cannot, for the life of me, make any point other than “YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG.”

Which goes against every reason I have for reading. Reading most often puts me into a calm state of mind, far away from interaction with other people, which, according to another blogger I respect, is sort of the evil DFW exposes in the novel itself.

So will I participate in any way other than reading? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

“I wake up in the evening
and I ain’t got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain’t nothing but tired
Man, I’m just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help”

I was 11 when Bruce Springsteen’s “Dancing in the Dark” came out and boy did I hate it. Back then I was into Twisted Sister. Van Halen. Bands that came across more like superheroes than musicians. So when this Springsteen character came on MTV in a nice white shirt with an optimistic smile and an impossibly close shave, my parents enthusiastically responded.

“He just looks so nice,” they’d say. I knew what they meant. Here was a rock star you could rent a hotel room to, and he’d probably leave it cleaner than it was when he arrived. At least that was how they saw him. The whole experience was eye-rollingly uncool, and from then on whenever “Dancing in the Dark” came on, I’d change the channel to Nickelodeon.

They outright beamed whenever they saw the part where he pulls Courtney Cox out of the crowd to dance. Admittedly, I did get some enjoyment out of this, too, since she was on the show “Misfits of Science,” which I liked. At least Bruce had the good sense to dance with a telekinetic delinquent. That’s kind of cool, but unfortunately not cool enough.

Over the years, my opinion of the song and video didn’t change much. I grouped this period of Springsteen in with all the other great 70s acts that discovered synths in the 80s and consequently sucked. He redeemed himself later of course, but not before releasing Tunnel of Love, an album for which he can never quite be forgiven.

A few days ago, Christa was walking around the apartment singing “Dancing in the Dark,” belting out the line, “I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face!” That’s a good line. A great line. The character Lou in Rescue Me articulated the feeling better in a recent episode where he gets a date with his dream girl and says something like, “I’ll be right there. I just have to put my head on another body then go find another head.” But that’s a TV show, not a song. I digress.

When the song got stuck in my head, I started turning over the lyrics as they came back to me. One line in particular stuck out: “I’m sick of sitting ’round here trying to write this book.” Now that’s a weird line. So Springsteen’s protagonist is a writer. How random.

When I looked up the rest of the lyrics online, I rediscovered the first verse, which describes the protagonist as a nightshifter. Obviously I identified with it. I like how that isn’t the central point of the song, but rather a detail, like the writer bit. This guy’s a struggling novelist working nights to make ends meet. He’s unsatisfied and depressed. He’s sick of “living in a dump like this.” So then he realizes that he needs to take a small amount of action to improve his life, because “you can’t start a fire without a spark.” So he goes out with a girl.

I can totally get behind this.

Maybe I’m old now because I like “Dancing in the Dark.” Self-improvement through positive action is hardly a punk-rock concept. But it’s a good one, and the Boss pulls it off without being cheesy or maudlin. There’s the synths, of course, and I can’t entirely forgive him that, but I’ll pretend not to hear them.

I love rediscovering an old song I’ve heard 10,000 times over but have never given any thought to. I’m not going to buy the Born in the USA album, and I’m not going to download the single. But the next time I happen to hear it, I’ll listen and enjoy it.

It’s way better than “You Can’t Do That on Television.”

Remember like almost four months ago when I said I was going to learn how to develop film? Well, I finally got around to shooting a few rolls and trying it out. I completely screwed up one whole roll from beginning to end. Another … I’m not sure because for that roll I used my mom’s old Brownie Hawkeye Flash, which probably hadn’t been used in 40 years, so I’m not sure if the problem was me or the camera. Though I suspect it was a little bit of both. Another roll came out OK, with a few problems, mostly due to the fact that I was just shooting to fill the roll and not paying enough attention to what I was doing.

I have to keep telling myself that I’m just beginning to learn, and I did learn some valuable lessons on this first go-around. Most notably: pay attention to what you’re doing. Also: developing film is just like making beer, which is to say that it’s exactly like doing dishes.

I sense that once I figure out the rough framework of the process, my biggest and most frustrating problem is going to be all the dust and threads and hairs creeping into the scans (see photo above). I’m not really sure what to do about this, since all the solutions seem to involve more cleaning, which is something I’m not entirely willing to do. Well, I guess there’s always Photoshop. And a little bit of grit adds some cred, doesn’t it.

Shh. No. Be quiet. Of course it does.